Yes, some of the others mentioned the problems with the voice on Sunday. I'm definitely going to work that over. I think I hear Ferris Bueller chattering in my head at times instead of Zachary..... ah well.
This is really coming along well - more humor and tighter. I think you are getting close. My comments are mostly concerned with using a consistent voice. I'm still not sure that Zachary's age, as suggested by his kind of street…"
"Thanks for your ideas Temoca! I appreciate the time you took.
I'm still working on getting the boys out of Kids' World effectively. One of the main problems I'm working with is word count. I'm over 1,000 already, and had to cut…"
I love your concept. It is a unique way of showing parents' rules can be good. You are very good at creating images and rhythm in your writing. I love the word choice and the alliteration and I could see the candy room clearly.