Nevada SCBWI

Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators


Here are the other two pieces I told you about that I'm sending with the mentor application.  I'd really appreciate your feedback before May 25 if you can.  Thanks.  Enjoy Mothers Day and the retreat!


Views: 0


Replies to This Discussion

Hey Moira! Here are my comments:

Don't Peek --

Your first line is that her search is making a mess, but then you show her just looking at places that wouldn't really make a mess at all. If you want her to leave a trail behind her, I'd suggest having her rifle through drawers or dumping out baskets, etc... something like that.

There seems to be some extraneous information and info that could be combined to make the prose less wordy. Like, is it important that her brother's name is Mark? Or that he's two years older than her? Could you maybe just say, "My older brother Mark"? Or even, "My older brother?" You tell us what's on the shelf in her parent's closet and then that she pushes it aside. Instead of those three sentences, you could just say:

I lug a kitchen chair into my parent’s room to reach the top shelf in their closet, shoving aside books and a pink hat box until I see it, shoebox-sized and wrapped in Christmas paper.

(You also misuse the semi-colon in that paragraph, so if you keep it as is, you'll want to fix that.)

There are a few examples like that, where you could employ better word economy.

Also, the end feels really didactic, like: "And the moral of this story, kids, is..." I wonder if you couldn't rework it to be less like that.

The Magical Boy --

I actually love the idea of this book, but I think again there are a lot of places where sentences can be combined or eliminated to reduce some redundancy and wordiness. I also think this is a lot of tell right now. I think it would work better if it was all part of a story, rather than just a listing of facts. As is, the only real "scene" we get is with the hawk, and even that isn't experiential for the reader.

Maybe try telling it as "The day she discovered her brother was magical," or something.

Hope that helps!
Thanks Heather, helps a lot. See you Sunday.
HI, Moira! I've got them printed out and will reply on hard copy. I can't look at the computer any more this week but am eager to see you at group! :) Julie
Thanks! I know you're going to the retreat this weekend and I'm submitting my application on the 25th so maybe, if you're up to it, you can either call me (827.4735) or reply electronically with your input. Thanks again.


© 2017   Created by Ellen Hopkins.   Powered by

Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service